Audrey Mae

I'm sorry I haven't posted earlier about our baby Audrey's arrival. It's just been a little crazy--okay a lot crazy. Another example of how "life is what happens while you're busy making other plans".
Feel free to read on or skip to pictures!

I went in Friday morning for my C-section. I was feeling okay about things and was just excited to meet and hold our baby. My labor and delivery nurse, Kate, was someone from my home ward and has known me since I was a baby. She was awesome and I'm so glad she got to be my nurse. It was comforting to have her, my mom, and Jason supporting me.
The c-section went well and our baby was born at 8:32 and weighed 8 pounds 9 ounces!! She let out a cry and I cried hearing the sound of our baby. The doctor quickly pulled her around the sheet so I could see her right away. Then the neonatologist and nurses started taking care of her. Her cry was definitely wet and gurgley, and I kept hearing the neonatologist say "Lots of mucus, lots of fluid" in her Indian accent. She was suctioning her a lot. Jason could tell they were concerned but I couldn't see anything. They brought her over to me and I got to hold her for a few seconds, but I could tell she wasn't doing well, so I gave her back quickly. After another minute or so they said they were going to bring her into the NICU just to evaluate her. I started crying because I didn't want them to take her away. I knew at this hospital they didn't take them away unless there was a problem, so not only was I sad to be separated from her, but I was worried about her.
As I was recovering, Kate kept going into the NICU to get us information. She came back and told me with tears in her eyes that our baby was getting admitted to the NICU, not just in for evaluation. Of course I was totally crying because things were just not going well, not at all like I planned. Jason and I were able to say a prayer together, and then later when Kate had come back with more information we all said a prayer together, and my mom was there too.
I was feeling better physically then I had with my last c-section, even though I did feel nauseous and the room was spinning. I could already move my legs and lift up my bottom, but I wasn't in any pain. Kate asked if I wanted to go to the NICU on my way to the post partum recovery before she turned over my care. I am so glad that they wheeled me in on my bed to see my baby. I asked if I could hold her and the nurse said I could. I held her for probably less than a minute before I totally started feeling nauseous. I remember the nurse was taking pictures of us and I was wishing she wouldn't because of how I felt, but I managed to smile and we got a few family shots. I am so glad she took those because that was the last I would see our baby for many hours. I had to quickly give Audrey back and they wheeled me out of the NICU as I was throwing up into a plastic bag, the closest thing they could find. Kate got me a cold cloth and I felt better after a few minutes.
I had another nice nurse in post partum. I of course was very upset and sad but physically I was feeling okay. The hours passed and no one was giving us information about our baby except Kate, who had other patients and was busy but would visit the NICU for an update and come report back to us. Basically she said the the neonatologist was very busy with a few very sick babies, including ours. Our baby had an IV in, but then tore it out. So they did another IV, then the neonatologist attempted an umbilical arterial line and an umbilical venous line. She was only able to get the venous line.
I was hoping to be able to spend some time looking at our baby to finalize on the name, but Jason said we should go ahead and choose the name. We chose Audrey Mae, and I think we made the right choice. We were deciding between Audrey Mae or Avalon Brook. It felt better to have a name for her so at some point in the day she became "Audrey".
Kate was very honest with us and told us that she was on the maximum amount of oxygen through high flow nasal cannula and a hood, and they were worried they would have to intubate her if she wasn't keeping her sats up. She was breathing very fast and was having pulmonary hypertension, which was causing her circulation to basically remain in fetal mode instead of newborn mode. She had to go on a dopamine drip, as well as antibiotics, and she had an echocardiogram to look at her heart. She maybe would even have to be transferred, even though we were at a very acute NICU facility. Things were getting very scary!
The reason all of this happened was because she aspirated fluid while being born, which is a risk of a c-section. Babies can still aspirate in vaginal births, but in C-sections they don't have that amount of time getting squeezed in the vaginal canal to clear out the lungs, so it can happen easier. So in addition to being worried about my baby, I was feeling so upset about the cesarean again. I was feeling guilty and upset that I had it, even though it wasn't really my fault. Kate was surprised I was 8 days overdue because most doctors don't allow VBAC attempts past the due date. I was playing the "should have" and "what if" game. Maybe I should have waited through the weekend, maybe I should have had the c-section a day earlier, maybe I should have insisted on being allowed a VBAC no matter how past due I was. I just wanted her back in my uterus safe and sound where she healthy and happy! I missed her. I wanted to hold her and nurse her and be with her, but I couldn't get up.
Jason was able to see her a few times in the day, and he was also supporting me and helping me. He and a friend from church were able to give her a blessing of healing. Lots of people had us in their thoughts and prayers, which was so comforting. Even my post partum nurse said a prayer with us before she left her shift. My parents also put her name on several temple prayer rolls. It was humbling to feel dependent on Heavenly Father.
Finally around 6 pm the neonatologist came to talk to us and told us what was going on. Audrey was finally settled down some and didn't need to get intubated. What a blessing! Her respiratory and heart rates were pretty high earlier, but were settling down to just medium high.
I started asking if I could see her, but my evening nurse wasn't too helpful with that. After an hour or so she called the NICU, but they were getting 4 admits so they couldn't have any visitors.
My night nurse that came on at 11 was so great. I was crying because I wanted to see my baby and she told me "I promise I will get you to your baby tonight". She took such good care of me and I was even able to talk about feeling so sad and guilty that all this happened. She said as soon as the NICU allowed it she would take me there. The aid was also so sweet and they got me so comfy in bed I was able to rest, though I can't say I slept. I heard every little noise and beep. At one point there was a call about a trauma team on the intercom, and I was sure it was for Audrey. When my door opened a moment later I said "What's the matter with my baby?" but it was just someone coming to take my blood pressure. Around 2 or 3 in the morning my nurse came and told me I could go to the NICU so they wheeled me down to Audrey. I was so happy to see her! She was sleeping peacefully. I couldn't hold her and they didn't want her stimulated at all, so I was extra thankful that Kate had brought me in before I went to post partum to hold her.
After I got to see her I was able to get a bit of sleep that night. The next morning things were looking much better. The cardiologist spoke to me and said things looked good on her echo. Her heart didn't make the transition from fetal to newborn as quickly as normal because of the aspiration, but there were no problems with it. Another neonatologist told me that "Things were getting quite hairy yesterday but they are looking good today". They began weaning her oxygen yesterday and have continued today. So all day yesterday I was so happy! I went from being so sad to so happy, even though things still weren't ideal.
Today I've been pretty happy, though I've had moments of being upset when I think none of this would have happened if I was able to have the VBAC I planned, how none of this was anything like the normal birth I was dreaming of. After the twins I just thought I could have a happy, normal birth, but even with my "singleton" things have been stressful.
The highlight of my day yesterday was seeing the boys and having them meet Audrey. The boys were a bit reserved when they first saw me, but then they warmed up and were cuddly with Jason and I. Nathan got in bed with me and snuggled with me and didn't want to let me go. I got to take the boys in one at a time to meet Audrey. They both really liked her but Nathan seems especially taken by her. He didn't want to leave her when it was time and he wanted to see her twice both yesterday and today.
The boys spent a lot of time at the hospital today. The big hit was my moving bed! Jason took James in to see Audrey and I took Nathan in. He is a proud big brother.
She is continuing to do well being weaned off her oxygen, but now we start the challenge of eating. She was nothing by mouth until this afternoon. The doctor ordered the amount of milk she is supposed to get, and I think it's too much. I've been pumping so at least she's getting my milk, but she's not tolerating eating very well. It makes me frustrated because breastfeeding is so very important to me, and this could really mess things up. I know I can get through anything with enough determination, but it was just torture seeing her rooting all over the place yesterday and not being able to feed her, and then today forcing her to take a certain amount by bottle when I don't think she's ready to jump to that much. I think it's perfect that babies can practice nursing in the beginning when there's just a few drops of colostrum with each feeding. I wish I could nurse her and let her dictate how much she needs.
Well, I'm already forgetting how I was pleading with the Lord just to spare her life, and He did, so I shouldn't be upset over the challenges that are still present. Things will just take a while to work out.
I need to remember my blessings. I have my little girl Audrey and the crisis is definitely passed. Everything is going to turn out okay, I just need to have patience.
In conclusion, because I really need to conclude and rest, I will dote on her a bit. She is so gorgeous! I can't believe how she looks! She doesn't look a thing like the boys did. She has such dark hair, and much more than they did. Her eyes seem dark too. Her face is so adorable. I wish I could see her whole body but she's always covered and clothed. I haven't even changed a diaper yet! It's a little strange. She seems like a real sweetie. I can't wait to get to know her more.



Right after her delivery


The time I got to hold her before I was transferred to post partum and didn't see her for 14 hours and didn't hold her for 2 days after that




Proud big brother Nathan


I love her dark hair. What a surprise to me!