My computer came back from repair yesterday. What a difference from when we had to repair with Best Buy. Best Buy's warranty program--which we had to pay an extra 200 for--took 7 weeks to fix! That happened all three times we sent it in. We'll never buy from there again.
This is an HP from Costco and they have a 2 year warranty program for free, and it took about a week to fix our computer.
Anywho, in going through our stuff as I mentioned previously, I found a little article that I'm actually REALLY happy I kept. I have to share it.
This is an HP from Costco and they have a 2 year warranty program for free, and it took about a week to fix our computer.
Anywho, in going through our stuff as I mentioned previously, I found a little article that I'm actually REALLY happy I kept. I have to share it.
How to Prepare for Nursing
Forget that old advice about "gently rubbing your nipples with a towel." If you really want to feel ready to breastfeed, here's what to do.
Day 1: Gently rub your nipples with sandpaper.
Day 2: At bedtime, set your alarm clock to go off every two hours. Each time it rings, spend 20 minutes sitting in a rocking chair with your nipples clamped in a pair of chip clips.
Day 3: Draw branching lines all over your chest with a blue-green marker, then stand in front of your bathroom mirror and sing "I feel Pretty."
Day 4: Open your already-crowded freezer and make room for five dozen plastic milk bags.
Day 5: Fit the hose of a vacuum cleaner over one breast and set on "medium pile". Turn off vacuum when nipple is three inches long. Switch breasts.
Day 6: Obtain "DO NOT CROSS" tape from your local police station, then wrap firmly around your chest. When your spouse asks about it, say "Get used to it".
Day 7: Tape a water balloon to each breast and squeeze into a maternity bra. Repeatedly hook and unhook the nursing flaps with one hand while using the other to balance a sack of squirming puppies.
Day 8: Dine in the fanciest, snootiest restaurant you can afford, making sure to arrive with a big wet spot directly over each nipple.
Day 9: Record your mother proclaiming "Just give the baby some cereal like God intended, and she'll sleep right through the night." Play an endless loop at 1 A.M., 3 A.M. and 5 A.M.
Day 10: Slather your breasts with peanut butter, top with birdseed, and stand very still in your backyard.
Day 11: Go someplace public--a museum, a courthouse, the steps of your office building--and stuff a lifelike baby doll under your shirt. Use the doll's arm to suddenly hike the shirt up past your collar bone. Lower shirt. Feign nonchalant smile.
Day 12: Suckle a wolverine.
Congratulations! You are now ready to nurse a baby. Maybe.
Congratulations! You are now ready to nurse a baby. Maybe.
(From baby talk Oct 2005).
**Day 1 and 2 define my experience of nursing my boys pretty well. It was that painful for the first three months. However, I persevered and nursed them for a year. It was one of the best things I ever did! I remember feeling so frustrated when I would read from the breastfeeding advocates "If it hurts than there is something wrong with the baby's latch" or other things like that. I know it's different for everyone, but for me it hurt like crazy!! I hope it's not so painful the second time around.
Anyone else find truth in this humorous article?
15 comments:
That is hilarious. And the fact that it feels so true makes it even more funny. I weaned Ian last week, so I can really really laugh about it now. :)
I hope nursing is much more pleasant for you early on this time. It HAS to be easier on your body to nurse half as much!
Thanks for sharing that!
I think I was crying by the end, I was laughing so hard. Yes. So true. So very, very true.
I don't have your email, but I'd love to invite you to my blog! Email me at elizabethljohnson(at)gmail(dot)com and I'll send you an invite.
P.S. I'm that girl from upstairs and over at Wymount, just in case you don't remember me. :)
I was crying by the time I finished this too. Hilarious! Good luck nursing this time around. I hope it's easier with each one.
This was hilarious. The sandpaper comment is so true.
I remember how awful it was for you with the boys. It was bad for me with the girls, but somehow not so bad with Jared. I mean, let me get this straight...it still hurt but my nipples didn't look nearly as bad as they did with the girls. So something improved. I sure hope it isn't going to be as bad this go around for you!!!
Hi Sarah,
Denise made her blog private....so he case you like to check it out...email me at LBW_DDS@yahoo.com and I will send you an invite.
love your blog
Joan W.
TOO FUNNY!!!! I can definitely relate to way too many of those :)
That is funny, and lot of it sounds true. I hated nursing, but I did it as long as I could with each child, except Brinley, but that is another story. I've noticed with each child nursing does get easier, and it doesn't hurt as much and is not as uncomfortable. Nursing Elise didn't hurt at all, I never used Lansinol (s/p?) and was never sore afterwards. I hope that makes you feel a little better about nursing :)
Hilarious, bud. It seems like so long ago that I was calling you and asking, "So...how long did you say it took before it didn't hurt anymore?" These days it doesn't hurt at all, but, at least four times a day, I live in fear that I'm going to get to feel how sharp those new bottom teeth really are...
Bart and I laughed so hard! It brought back so many memories. There were times when I wanted to quit, especially when so many people told me I couldn't nurse twins, but I remembered that you had nursed your twins for a year, and you inspired me to keep it up and I'm so glad I did.
Too funny! I loved it. I got really lucky and didn't have that much trouble with nursing Landan. He just took an hour to eat. He was so slow, but it didn't hurt, until he got teeth. That's when I quit. I figure if you can do it for a year with twins then I can do it for a year with one, even one that bites.
I was crying from laughing so hard...where was that when I was nursing? That's the kinds of thing every new nursing mama needs. Ever read "How My Breasts Saved the World?"
sarah, you are one of my nursing HEROES! I can't believe you exclusively nursed both of your boys 'til a year. nursing is SO hard for me, I don't love it at all. maybe it will be different/better this time around ??
anyway, funny article. and painful in its truth!
This was so funny to read! To tell the truth, I didn't have any problems with my first AT ALL. It was a dream and I didn't understand why everyone would not choose to do it--so convenient, easy, best nutrition, cheap, etc. My second baby wasn't too bad either. Then my third, he was horrible. He couldn't latch on in the beginning and I had to be patient with him getting frantic for food while he tried to latch for (no joke) 20 minutes. Once I got him on, of course I let him stay as long as he wanted to. Which was at least 40 min. This lasted until he was about 6 weeks, I thought we had finally gotten the hang of things. Then soon after that, I went the rounds with clogged ducts, repeated bouts of mastitis, him biting my nipple, and even a milk blister--all of which I had never even heard of when I was nursing my first. I am so glad he was my third, if my first had been like that, I would have given up after the second day.
So I admire you for continuing through the pain with the twins, I hope you will have a better experience with your baby girl.
That is truly hilarious......despite the fact that I never have personally had to do it. No complaints about that. Hey, are you going to change the name of you blog after the baby is born.....that will be a really long name then.
How true it is! At first it didn't hurt me because James was not strong enough...then it started killing. But it was still war every time! So now I just pump it into a bottle and we are both happy campers...although its very time consuming! Better luck for you!
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